Every day and on almost every channel on television we are subjected to the trials and tribulations of those who are married and lonely. We see these situations on the daytime soap operas or on the reality shows such as Maury Povich and a host of others, and even on the daytime people’s court type programs, (those are so much fun, it’s like watching a train wreck!) Married and lonely suggests a possible lack of intimacy but there is much, much, more to this type of relationship than just an increasingly sexless marriage.

Some people say that a sexless marriage is the number one cause of infidelity and divorce, but many relationship experts feel that cheating on your spouse is the result of a bigger issue and what causes the lack of intimacy is the root of such problems. People do not get married already thinking that they will be cheating on their wife or husband, but the rigors of daily life can change the dynamics between married people and some may feel that their spouse is the cause, or at least part of the problem. Okay, in full disclosure there are some instances when the phrase “it’s you, not me!” is totally appropriate as there are those bunny boilers and psychos out there who hide their true nature until it’s too late. But that is best left for a future article. Occasionally, loneliness is better than the possible alternatives.

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The millions of couples that are married and lonely are not that way because they are bad people, they are merely married people or domestic partners that approach issues differently and cannot seem to get on the same page in terms of goals and other matters. Marriage, and most types of relationships are not always simple and easy. They do not always just fall into place and become happily ever after, quite often they take work, lots of it!

It’s important to approach issues with your spouse or partner, quickly but delicately, because if you let something linger for too long it may get worse and before long it can, and often does become irreparable. Just because you are married and lonely does not mean that there is some wicked event causing these feelings, quite often it has to do with how you look at yourself and how you currently live your life.

There is a chance that any perceived lack of intimacy is based on presumed problems and any loneliness felt is from your own feelings of something being deficient in your own life. Maybe it’s time to start taking more control of your own happiness to fill up these periods when you are feeling alone. The gym, clubs or perhaps volunteering for a charity can often give someone a sense of purpose and fulfillment while making new friends. Yes! It is okay for married people to have friends, but be careful you don’t descend down that slippery slope of infidelity and blame it on a sexless marriage when the problems have not yet be thought out or verified. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube once it’s out.

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Married people can be their own best relationship expert as they know better than anyone what they feel, and what is actually taking place that might cause a lack of intimacy with a spouse. Discussing these issues can be difficult but definitely worth it if a husband and wife can better understand each other and devise a plan to lessen or remove any obstacles in their relationship.

Writer and consultant for